


Christmas Irony

by sharedwithyou



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, Angstangstangst, Bitterness, Bittersweet, Dark, Dark Humor, Dark reader, F/M, Mindfuck, Psychological Trauma, Reader-Insert, Suspension Of Disbelief, Triggers, possible triggers, warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 05:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9057703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: WARNING: Possible triggers. Dark reader. Etc. You laughed as he handed you a crudely wrapped box. “Socks?”“Guess again.”“Uh, it’s dripping.”“It’s fresh.”You ripped off the paper with your unnecessarily long nails and peered inside. “An actual heart?”





	

**Author's Note:**

> WHOOOOO
> 
> i wanted to crank out something for Christmas, so here goes.
> 
> Per Bucky Style, it is very dark. Sort of angsty. But very dark reader. kind of au/suspension of disbelief. i mean it's reader-insert, so you know. but it's also pretty funny and fun. so, your call =).
> 
> POSSIBLE TRIGGERS. WARNING. ETC.
> 
> you might not want to read this on christmas. idk what your traditions are for xmas but reading dark shit probably isn't it.
> 
> fyi ii'm having a great christmas, i just naturally write dark stuff hehe.
> 
> anyway YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
> 
> currently listening to Say it ain't so by weezer. Not sure if it applies, but it's fun. just like this fic. which is both dark and fun.
> 
> Leave a comment! I had fun writing, hope you have fun reading!!
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker

 

 

 

“Why would you celebrate the birth of the so-called prophesized savior that should bring about your own destruction?”

“ ’Tis the season.”

You laughed as he handed you a crudely wrapped box. “Socks?”

“Guess again.”

“Uh, it’s dripping.”

“It’s fresh.”

You ripped off the paper with your unnecessarily long nails and peered inside. “An actual heart?”

He smirked and nodded. “I thought about getting a goat’s heart. For, you know, irony. But that seemed like cheaping out.”

You nodded and dipped your face into the box, breathing deeply. Ahh, the sweet smell of a fresh kill. And the foul scent of something else.

“…Polo by Ralph Lauren?”

“Good nose.”

You tipped back your head and let out a roar. “Jeffrey’s heart?!”

“Ran into your ex-boyfriend on my way to the store.”

“Bullshit.”

“Fine, I had one of the goons track him down. But I ripped it out of him all by myself. Just for you.”

“Aww, you shouldn’t have.”

You stood on your tip-toes to kiss him, and he savored your lips for a moment, before biting down hard until you bled onto your chin.

“Merry fucking Christmas.”

 

 

“Look, mistletoe.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s nothing.” Sam waved you away from the entrance of the cheap motel and threw Dean a dirty look, who merely winked back at him. Finding (y/n) locked in the back of a demon-infested warehouse was the funnest thing that had happened in weeks.

Mainly because she didn’t know shit.

He’d already taught her that ‘normal people’ hop on one foot twice before ending a conversation, and that traffic lights were how aliens communicated with humans. Red meant they were arguing, and green that everything was ‘right and dandy.’ Which he’d also convinced her was the proper way to say ‘okay’.

“Come on Sammy, we have to re-introduce her into society.”

“Crappy Christmas traditions don’t count, Dean.”

“What’s Christmas?”

Dean dropped his duffel bag and stared at you in shock. Sam glared at him until he recovered.

“It’s a holiday where people give each other presents. So you better get me something good!”

“But I don’t have any, uh, dolla dolla bills.”

Dean stifled a man-giggle as Sam put his hand on his forehead. “It’s just called money, (y/n).”

“Oh. But Dean-“

“He was joking.”

“Ah. Right and dandy!”

Dean fell onto the ground laughing as Sam scowled and led you into the elevator.

“Hey, hold the door!”

“No.”

Sam pressed the close-door button repeatedly as you hopped twice to end your conversation with Dean, which made him lose his shit again, thereby completely missing the elevator.

Sam gave you a sad look as the two of you rode up to floor six.

You loved irony almost as much as you loved your Lord.

 

 

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“We can’t just leave her at an orphanage. She’s too old for that.” Dean had commented, a bit unfeeling. He was still moody from walking in on you tearing into HIS entire pie. You hadn’t even used a damn fork.

“I’m sure there’s a charitable organization that can care for her.”

“Look at her, Cas. She has the barest of survival skills. There’s no way of knowing how extensive the demons’ damage runs in her mind. Let alone, you know.”

“No, I don’t.”

“In her soul.”

“I already took a look-“

“I meant it figuratively.”

Sam shook his head and turned to watch you tuck your arms under your knees and rock yourself to sleep in the corner of the room.

“Well, she can breathe and eat and sleep.” Dean offered helpfully.

“Can you imagine how much work it would take to integrate her into society?!”

“As I said, there are churches all over the world-“

“Why are you so intent on getting rid of her, Cas?!”

“I have only the safety of you and your brother in mind.”

“Well, you looked into her mind already. She’s not a spy, is she?!”

“No. She is…disturbed.”

Castiel closed his eyes, seeing the contorted faces of so many victims that ran through your mind. And you’d had no choice but to stay still and watch. It had shaken even him to his core.

“Let’s just keep an eye on her for a few days.”

Cas crossed his arms, but didn’t argue.

Dean chuckled. “I like having her around. And re-introducing her to the 21st century.”

“You’re an ass, Dean.”

“Aw Sam. You just don’t like anyone to have fun.”

 

 

Oh Dean. You have no idea what true fun is.

 

 

“Here we are. Room 66.”

You gave him a blank look, all the while remembering the sheets wrapped around you and your King in so many Room 666’s all over the map.

“I’m gonna go get the rest of the stuff from the car. Do you…” He wasn’t sure what else to say.

You didn’t respond, but walked to the corner of this new room and faced the wall.

“Right. Well…make yourself comfortable.”

You waited until the elevator down the hall clanged open, to turn back around.

 

“Having fun with this charade?”

“No. It’s boring. I wanna go home.”

“Well, I’m afraid your taxi back to hell got in a bit of accident.”

“Blown to bits by a salt gun. Yeah, I was there.”

“Now, don’t pout.”

You leaned into the wall, wishing you’d picked a different persona. Frightened prey slash numb prisoner wasn’t the most entertaining.

“Did you convince him yet?”

“Yes. That’s why I’m here as a crappy vision instead of fucking you on that queen-sized bed.”

“Hmm, that’s too bad.” You thought about doing a sexy crawl to the mattress to tease him, but you weren’t that irritated. Besides, that guard dog Castiel was probably watching like a creep.

“It’s not like I enjoy being locked in this shit-hole, (y/n).”

“I don’t know why you’re having such a hard time. I’ve barely met Sam and he already likes me.”

You smirked, enjoying the annoyed look on Lucifer’s face. “Who knows how close we could get in the next few months. I might already be tired of that body when you finally get it back.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh?”

“I would have to punish you for a very, very long time.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?”

He relented with a devilish grin. “Well, you might not have to wait as long as you think.”

“Really?”

“There might be a way around that pesky little Winchester.”

“Do tell.”

“Nah. I know how much you love surprises.”

“Well if you don’t need him, can I finish them off? They’re so generically good it’s disgusting.”

“Now, now. You’ll have plenty of time to commit your crimes when I get back.”

You tried not to snicker out loud. “You know how impatient I can be.”

“One of the few perks of being stuck here. I get to watch you ache for me.”

“You’re a bastard.”

“You’ll have to ask God about that one.”

You covered your mouth as you laughed out loud this time.

“Well, goody two-shoes is coming back up. Promise you won’t kill them yet.”

“I don’t wannaaa.”

“Do it.”

“Fine. I promise.”

“That’s right. Be nice this Christmas. Might as well, since I’m not there.”

It was so much more fun to be bad when there was someone to do it with.

 

“It’s not the same being naughty when you’re not around.”

 

 

“Hmm. I see you’ve settled into your corner.”

You narrowed your eyes as Castiel The Martyr appeared in the room.

“I wish the brothers didn’t pick up every stray they ran into.”

Talk about the pot and kettle.

“Well, I suppose you’re harmless enough.” He stood at attention in silence, waiting for Sam and Dean to come back. Were all angels this dull?

“Cas! You’re back! You didn’t scare (y/n) did you?”

“I’m not sure of her capacity to feel, so I cannot answer that with certainty.”

“You are too literal, man.” Dean slapped Cas on the shoulder, and you enjoyed watching the guardian twitch like an awkward teenager.

“I suggest the two of you get some rest. The next group of demons we take on will not go down so easily.”

“Give it a rest man. Here, teach (y/n) something totally random. It’ll help you relax.”

“Dean, don’t be a dick.”

“Don’t be such a stick in the mud, Sam.”

Castiel blinked, before walking over to the counter and picking up a bottle. “Well, uh, (y/n). This is water.”

“…she knows that, Cas.”

“Well, okay. If you boil it, and add this bag, it makes tea.”

“…well that’s enough fun for today, Cas.”

“But-“

“We’ll see you tomorrow.”

Cas looked at the two of them, confused, before shrugging and teleporting away. You bit your tongue; that was freaking hilarious.

Sam looked back to see you stand up to hop twice and walked over to stop you. What a retard; why would he attempt to touch a mental case such as yourself?! Or at least the character you were playing.

Common sense would dictate that he wait at least a few days until you were more ‘adjusted.’

Still, you guessed it was sweet.

Anyway, you bumped your head on the wall as you shrank away.

“Oh! My bad!” He shook his head guiltily. “I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to hop every time someone leaves.”

“…right and dandy.”

There was a guffaw from the other side of the room, and Sam had to stop himself from telling you to cut that out as well. Probably one lesson at a time would be best for now. He’d have to give Dean a stern lecture about these mis-teachings.

“Well I’m gonna grab a few beers. Think you can watch Mental Mary while I’m gone?”

“…just go, Dean.”

 

 

Finally, it was just the two of you.

 

 

“Here.”

You looked up from your corner as Sam handed you a blanket. When you quirked your head, he placed it over your fetal-positioned body gently.

Even you had to admit that was cute.

“(Y/n)…I’m so sorry about what happened to you.”

You ran through the images you’d fed ‘Cas,’ but saw nothing to apologize for. A few souls skinned alive, removing that kid’s toes one at a time. That was just the tip of the iceberg, baby.

“Being powerless like that; forced to watch something you had no control over. I know how it is.

It…it’s a living hell.”

You couldn’t help a pesky human shred of guilt surfacing as you saw the haunted look in his face.

Hopefully it was just because he was so good-looking.

You better not be turning back into the pansy-ass bleading-heart of a shell that you used to be.

Being away from Him was taking a toll on you.

Anyway, it was all categorically untrue.

You hadn’t been forced to watch; just too tired to participate.

And living hell? You’d been to hell, and you’d had a blast. You couldn’t wait to get back.

 

But since you were currently without a ride home, unless you flagged down an obedient minion, you may as well make the best of a situation.

 

 

Like taking this body for a test drive.

 

 

“Sam?”

You felt your stupid heart flutter as Lucifer’s future vessel’s eyes lit up.

“Yes, (y/n)?”

“I…I’m scared.”

He walked over quickly and squatted so you were eye-level. “Don’t worry. We’ll take care of you.

 

You’ll never have to be scared again.”

 

Just as naïve as his stupid father had been.

 

You supposed you’d gotten lucky that John hadn’t written about your little tryst in his scruffy journal. Too ashamed to record that time he’d ‘hit it and quit it’ with a girl he’d left behind in a warehouse full of demons.  

You’d woken up from a wild shag with a handsome stranger in a secluded area to a circle of foul-smelling sadists.

 

Where was the Great Hunter when you’d been on your knees, begging for your life, as they laughed and laughed?

Where was the host of angels when your bones were all but broken by the lowest level of demons?

 

Where was the ‘True God’ when you lay there dying?

 

He’d walked in then. They’d scurried off like the scum they were, as He cradled you in his arms and looked into your eyes.

When He said he’d take care of you, you knew He would.

 

 

Lucifer was your true love, just as he was your True Savior.

 

 

You stared at Johnny’s baby son now, and felt that useless emotion ‘empathy’ pass.

All you felt was anger and hate. And maybe a bit of excitement.

“Sam…”

“You’re safe now.”

He pulled you into his arms, and the only way you didn’t shove him off was knowing this was how it would feel when your Lord came back.

With this thought encouraging you, you lifted your chin so your lips could meet his.

 

The kiss was so sickly sweet.

 

Then he pulled away and set you back against the wall gently. “I’m sorry.”

You gave him a soul-crushing look of bewilderment.

“It’s just…

 

Something similar happened to my father.

He also knew a woman who’d been locked in a warehouse, tortured by demons.

 

And he… well there’s something he always regretted about it.”

 

 

Well, I’ll be damned.

You did so love irony.

 

 

You’d been left alone in a warehouse by their daddy. That’s how you were discovered by demons.

So this time you’d waited in a warehouse full of them. And let his children find you.

 

 

“You’re beautiful (y/n). And I…I want to show you what it’s like to be cared for.

But not like this.”

He leaned forward to give you a quick hug, and as he did, you reached for your bra.

 

 

John had left a blade as well as a note next to your sleeping form when he crept out that night. Something about it “keeping you safe.”

Yeah, well, maybe against one demon; not a flock of them.

You’d kept it with you to remind you why you’d left your race behind.

Right there tucked inside your bra, the one he’d ripped off in a frenzy that night so long ago, so it would always be close to your heart.

 

And you’d promised not to kill Sam Winchester; but you hadn’t said anything about maiming him.

After all, ‘Tis the season.’

 

So you shoved it into his stomach and faded from his arms with the laugh of someone finally satisfied after a long, long time.

With just these words.

 

 

“Merry fucking Christmas.”

**Author's Note:**

> ADS;FJA;SDFJ;ALDSJ YEEEEE  
> GO DARK READER  
> LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW
> 
> RANDOM RAMBLINGS:  
> QUICK POLL 1: WHOOO?? i probably won't continue it, but there's obviously a few options =) kind of want to continue it, but it works so well as a one-shot, and i already have so many multi-chapter fics going on
> 
> quick poll 2: fav line/part?!  
> mine is probably- The kiss was so sickly sweet.  
> describes the fic perfectly.  
> muahahaha.
> 
> basically john and you had hooked up at night in an outdoor area, you'd fallen asleep and he left quickly (not because of demons, but just because) and because you'd been alone in a sort-of empty area, you got kidnapped by demons.  
> didn't go into details about that because i diddn't want this to be too dark.  
> anyway, lucifer takes pity on you and saves you.  
> so now you love him and hate people.  
> and now lucifer is locked away and fighting for Sam's body, so you're just dicking around, bored, until he comes back. hence this little adventure.
> 
> so your few 'powers' are that you don't look fifty and you can randomly teleport. just not back to hell.
> 
> quick poll 3: ON A SCALE OF 1-10 HOW EVIL AM I. just kidding. how's your christmas going?!?!  
> I'm having fun with my family, but i took a solid 4 hours off so i could write something. so i hope you liked!!  
> my xmas traditions usually include seafood and board games. which i will go do now, having scandalized enough for one day
> 
> hope everyone is having a merry christmas!! and that you enjoyed this epic dark reader adventure!!  
> talk to you lovelies soon!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky
> 
> p.s. gosh how i love dark reader. and irony.


End file.
